craig2562

I am happy for the first time in a very very long time, despite everything that happened I just feel happy again. Beta here i come, maybe I can forget all the negative things going on with Live.

Shitty size to download though, but its ok. I has beta.

Laptop just died, big sigh...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Learn to shutup and keep your mouth quiet Craig, nothing goes badly when you keep to yourself.

Maybe I take things a bit far, that shit isn't important to fight over, I don't know. All I know is I keep repeating the same things over and over.

Should just take a break from it all and go do something else, wish my Xbox didn't die :(

/sigh

Didn't think it was even possible to feel this bad, I guess it's just been a mixed day of feelings and emotions. I should get some sleep and look forward to tomorrow.

Note to self, watch 24 more.

If I was a person I would be Jack Bauer, if there was a class in WoW called "Bauer" I'd so be it.

I know I am falling deeper day by day, feeling slightly depressed yet at the same time happy and bored. The rants are less these days, but feel bigger the more they happen - perhaps things should just be kept to myself, bottle everything up again and pretend things I have a problem with don't exist. Alright yeah maybe all I do is start fights cause I like causing shit, that is never my intention and I always come out of it wishing I would just shutup and not say anything - except I say something before I think and that is the way it's always been with me, no matter how hard I try to change it will always be there.

Is there a word for how people are meant to feel when they are like this? Perhaps a word that describes how people act towards some people and another towards others, it feels like my closest friends are the ones that get hurt the most because I know them too well and they know me. Really just makes no sense how things turn out the way they do, I aint really religious and alot of stuff makes me wanna find "someone" to bring me at peace and move on for everything I have done in the past. Stuff that wasn't even my fault which I can't change the outcome of and has caused me alot of doubt/fear/depression. You think that years later it would be fine, but it's worse now than it ever was because I had it bottled for years then a few months ago I decided to let it out, ok months ago is time to move on yes yes? I wish that were possible but all I seem to wanna do these days is fight over something that's based on a game. Everything is always about "the game" and it's really rather stupid and probably not even worth fighting over, I get I'm a bit retarded sometimes (who isn't?) but it's never my goal to fight, I just come over a bit "full on" sometimes.

Another thing I have always wondered is what about moving my life on and actually finding something to do that doesn't invovle sitting around at a PC all day/night. Probably the 20548875437543rd time I've said it but I really should look towards doing something else, I know Lich King is out in 2 months and I fear that's gonna basically take another year of my life without me even noticing. Don't get me wrong though I really do love WoW and want to play it more than any other game, but I do not think it's worth losing my soul by fighting with my friends over it. At the end of the day it's a game and I think I'd rather be friends then lose them over some "drama" and I am not going to lose friends again, it's painful and sucks when you trust people with your life and they just throw you aside like a fucking old shoe with no regard for how you feel. Yeah I have been down that road once before and I really did think they were the best friends I've ever had, long time ago but it hurts the closer you get to someone. Right now I have the best friends ever and yes I am so damn lucky to have met them but all I do is be selfish and cause pain towards them, maybe I just wanna lash out at them for mistakes I have made in the past or maybe it's because of how friends used to treat me that I assume everyone is like that when they arent.

I get upset alot and I guess crying about it wont make it go away but it makes me feel a bit worse about myself and actually think about what I've done. I get angry, but I do not mean to take out the anger on others. If I was a weighing scale, I would be tipped towards upset more and anger less because I am not really a violent or angry person but a depressed/sad/lonely person who would do anything to get people to talk to him. Maybe that's my problem, I try too much and push people away. Maybe I should be the way I used to be, when I could laugh and joke about everything that's the way I want people to remember me as, when I used to be fun and they could have a laugh with me. Not be rememered as someone people didn't wanna talk to or do anything with cause they were pissed off with.

There is alot of stuff I want to say, but I really dont think any of that matters because whatever I dont do, will only make things worse. Weird balance though because if I say something that will make things worse. It makes my head spin half the time, having to be careful of what I say around people but I usually just end up saying what's on my mind anyway when I should shutup. I know I'm gonna lose my friends one day and it makes me cry to think that could be my fault cause I dont want it to be my fault anymore.

Gonna just switch the PC off for a bit and think my shitty life over again.

edit: Sorry I didn't post anything about Sweden, might come later.

Right well I haven't updated this due to alot of things, mainly Sweden (that did actually happen /bow) but some of that will have to wait as I need to sort out things before I regret it for a long time.

So update will come, just probably not for a few days, friend only post will be following this one - next one will be for your eyes and contain mucho sweden stuff.

Ok well it looks like last night wasn't a great sleep, couldn't sleep for a while and was hot most of the night. Think I might have woke up less but still ain't happy with how I am sleeping. Need to see if I can get a Doctor to get me something else to help me sleep, otherwise I will just end up being tired all day.

Been a week since my last entry and I am not really sure things are getting any better, tried to ignore the problem a few times and focus on something else. Though saying that I think my sleep has gotten alot better, hard to tell when it's summer though because you keep waking up from being hot - which isn't nice when you are having sleeping problems. Think if it persists I might end up seeing a Doctor about it and get some stronger sleeping pills, rather then the typical non prescription ones.

Other than the obvious problem, I am not sure there is much else to whine about. Sweden is coming up soon and things still need to be sorted about that, if it wasn't for that I would be sorting out the other issue - things are getting piled up to the point where it's gonna collapse I can feel it. Still if things work out well, I am going to get every single problem sorted out eventually and perhaps even start a few new things that will keep my spare time busy (maybe I should pickup writing again, even if it's something small or write stories for myself). Also been watching some TV a bit more, playing Xbox and started reading magazine's again and it really makes a change from doing the usual routine every single day.

Not really super fantastic but feeling a bit calmer/relaxed about things though deep down I am screaming out at the world, let me out, let me out. I should make more of an effort to get out of the house and do something, though it's easier to say that compared to actually doing it. Started drinking alot of Milk as well, got this Milk obsession at the moment and I just drink ALOT of it, which might be a good sign or one of my new "drink" fetishes - just don't really want to drink anything else and I know I should be. Trying to get into a healthy living sort of way, ain't really sure the Milk is the key to it because it's the only thing I am doing to change, but we'll see how stuff changes in the next couple of weeks.

Might add some more later, feeling like writing alot till my fingers are numb. Right now though it's sleep time.

I have ugly passport photos, yes that's done I can /shoo it away and wait by my letterbox for it to come back to me. Also today was the first time I have been out in such a long time, was awesome and depressing at the same time but I will keep my thoughts to myself on that one.

Note to self: stop buying things EVERYTIME you go out :P

 /hug Indiana Jones DVD Box Set & A-Team Season 1 DVD Box Set.